Thanks, internet. We're screwed.

It occurred to me today that this thing we call technology has profoundly varying impacts on different generations of people. Throughout time, new technological advancements are integrated, discovered and streamlined by the generation that saw their advent, and then all but ingrained into everyday usage by the children of those innovators. Take the airplane, for example. When it first came out, people were terrified to ride them. It was something daring young fools climbed aboard, not an everyday reality that would enable people to travel the world over. Yet over the past century, innovators took risks, improved designs, tooled and retooled engines and fuels and fuselages and now here we are, 100 years later and we see a world where going to visit our relatives is as simple as booking a flight. We'd be baffled if the mail took more than 2 days to arrive. We can catch a redeye to Las Vegas and act on our romantic impulses before our heads have time to take over. Since work began, man has been trying to find ways to save his only true, finite resource: time.

In the same way, I see the internet to my generation and that of my children. When the internet age truly began, I was just a kid. I would ride my bike to the public library, wait 20 minutes to get online (at 14.4 kbps, BLAZING fast) and explore an ever expanding world- email, webpages, HTML, pure information at my fingertips, from all over the world. But unlike many other technological advancements, the internet was a self-perpetuating phenomenon. Being able to share large amounts of information over simple phone and fiber lines allowed developers to share ideas; businesses like Yahoo and Google saw the unlimited potential of providing everything somebody could ever need right into their personal computer; countless computer nerds inexplicably received obscene amounts of money to help built the dot-com explosion, which would grow like a huge bubble and finally POP when people realized what they wanted from the internet and how much they wanted to pay for it.

Everything. For nothing. By simply hooking up your computer, we had access to a world of goods, services and entertainment. New languages were being born. Tiny acronyms that could have once been considered typographical errors now held great significance in the eyes of the internet generation. The parents were threatened, baffled, unsure how to react when their kids were the only place to turn when they realized that incorporating this new technology was their only option if they wanted to survive. When generations were united in sharing information, ideas and knowledge, we reached our apex. It was also at this point that our brains started to dissolve into mush and we decided to screw over our kids.

Because truthfully mom and dad, we were really just using the internet to steal music and look at porn. The advent of the flash video allowed us to take clips of our friends lighting their flatulence aflame and broadcast it to the world. Suddenly, everyone had a voice, and opinion, a blog, a social network, something to say and somebody to listen to it. It somehow stung less when somebody told you your writing wasn't good, or you weren't funny. We could say what we wanted without real consequence, because the only thing that might stand in our way was someone else's faceless screen name telling us what for, and who really cares. 176,214 other idiots think I'm hillarious!

The internet went from a forum of enlightening human idea exchange to the ultimate gratification for the laziest recesses of our human nature. Sex is at our fingertips, entertainment is only a click away. Spelling, grammar, punctuation are defenestrated by simple keystrokes. I can only imagine that there will soon be a way to obtain food through the wire too. We're on our way to becoming a collective world consciousness, all wired to one another, laying prostrate in our beds, feeding tube in our stomach and filling our minds with pleasing visual stimuli all day long. People thought the television was the downfall of American society, but the television couldn't give us the one thing we still desired- the feeling that somebody was listening to us while we sat slobbering in front of them. Now we have input AND output, and the cycle is complete. Prepare for final brain liquefication, because the tool they thought would help their kids grow up to be smarter than us has turned on them, and it seems that we're just a generation away from becoming illiterate, culture-devoid robosapiens.

If you don't believe me, listen to some of the music these kids are playing. Read the text messages and emails and comments they leave for each other on their blogs. Tell me what videos have the most hits on YouTube. The things the internet is doing to this young generation of kids is terrifying to me. That might make me sound like an old man, but who cares. It truly scares me to think that the next group of workers down the chute is going to be even lazier than MY generation.

And one more thing- stop digitally over-exposing your kids. By the time our babies grow up and learn to use the internet, they'll have access to more information about themselves than any generation has ever had. Considering the internet is practically the temple of Narcissus, I can't imagine that's healthy. But hey, what do I know. I just wrote this whole essay and published it on the internet. Kind of hypocritical, perhaps.

Political!

Although I normally stray from politics, I have to say that Sarah Palin is the hottest woman in politics. Probably ever.




Apparently I'm not the only one.

TACOS! The secret to American power!

You can't escape it. Tacos.

Things I absolutely hate.

1. That feeling you get when you're taking off a sweaty t-shirt and it gets stuck. You're sweaty, there's a shirt halfway off your head, and it's stuck to your sweat soaked torso. So you just run around the house screaming, running into things and wondering if God will put you out of your misery and let you fall into a bathtub with a toaster. However, right as you're getting the toaster ready, the shirt comes off.

2. Mosquitos. They love me, and I hate them. It's a directly related quotient of love and hate. The more they love me, the more I wish I could cover the surface of planet Earth with fire, killing every mosquito, everywhere. The more they bite me, the more I wish I could travel back in time into their favorite childhood memory and run through it naked, scarring them permanently.

3. Losing things. I lost a disc golf disc today that I, by happenstance, JUST PURCHASED TODAY. It just vanished. Into the reeds, or the air, or into a little kid's backpack. Not sure. But that's the THIRD Valkyrie I've lost. I loved those discs.

That is all.

Video

So, even though I really don't like my own videos, here is a video worth checking out, if for no other reason other than Wes Hennings did a great job of editing and directing.



And to answer your question- we wrote it all in advance, and then I memorized the dialog. Wes helped me.

New Nervous Habit

I'm growing a beard. Growing a beard is excellent, however it has created a new nervous tick for me- I have started licking the hair of my mustache right at the corner of my mouth. I can't stop it.

I seriously just did it. I hope this goes away when my mustache is huge. Otherwise, I'm shaving this bitch.

My parents are awesome.

On the subject of blogging-

I've been reading a fantastic blog by a guy named Christian, called "Stuff White People Like". It's the funniest satirical blog I've read, probably ever. He also has a book. Which I promised myself (and told him) I would buy.  So.

 

I think it will make a stunning addition to the small library above my toilet. Seriously. There's a small library up there. I do my best thinking on the toilet. 

LOOK WHAT I DISCOVERED! DELICIOUS BEER DRINK!!!

This is truly fantastic. Leinenkugel's calls it a "Sunny Bear"- mixing one half a Sunset Wheat with one half Berry Weiss. The best part is that you have to drink two of them to use up the beer you opened. Possibly the first time math has actually been helpful to me. 

Stress

I feel like I've been a sucker for people in need my whole life. I'm beginning to think it makes me weak. I once ended up spending a ridiculous amount of money trying to help somebody who was really just a drug addicted leech. And then I just said, "I never want to hear from you again!" and it was so. I don't feel bad for it. I really don't. I hope I never see that guy again in my entire life, because it reminds me of how stupid I was. He just took advantage of me. I thought I was helping someone, but they were just lying. Now I don't give money to people.

Instead, I have someone living on my couch.

Having someone living on your couch is stressful. Very stressful.

You don't have access to your living room. You can't walk around your house naked. Your wife is mad at you. It's basically a huge pain in the ass.

I haven't lived with a roomate for almost 3 years and that feels good. Now I have a man living in my living room by my own decision. He needs help. Does it have to be my help? Probably not. But I'm the one giving it. I could kick him out, but I don't really have a good reason. Other than him being messy and I want to sit on my sofa naked and watch television.

Possibly God is teaching me some lesson about selfishness or patience or suffering or something.

But now my wife wants him gone. That makes it difficult, because now she's mad at me that I'm not giving him the ultimatum. Laying down the law. And I'm trying to play the middle, because I love her and want to please her, but I've committed to myself that I'm going to see this through.

And all the while I'm trying to convince her of something I have trouble swallowing myself- that being selfless for just a little while longer, until he leaves town next week, will be hard, but the right thing to do. I don't want to do that! I want it over!

But then He tells me:
"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay." Heb 10:36-37


Help me persevere.

Green Porno

One of the greatest things ever. It's like porno. But with bugs. And it's charming instead of filthy and repulsive.


Check it out.

Manahmanah

Attention

So I've decided. I need attention.

Not all the time, just sometimes. In fact, sometimes I hate attention. I'm typically very uncomfortable with praise. I don't really enjoy being recognized in public. Increasingly, I'm less and less drawn to people in general.

I believe there's something in every human that longs to be chased after- the unfortunate side-effect of that is that you must run away to be chased. After running and running and hoping that somebody is chasing me, I often find that I'm alone, in the middle of nowhere. My would be pursuers looked at my full sprint in to the woods and said, "That guy does NOT want to be caught. I'll just wait here." Or perhaps they start running into the forest too, not to chase me, but because they want to be chased as well.

So then I end up running into a bunch of crazy, narcissistic spriniters in a forest. And I'm forced to walk back out into the open, head hung low because the game of hide and go seek ended 45 minutes ago and everyone decided I was too hard to find and went inside to eat ice cream instead.

So now what? I'm the fastest sprinter and the best hider in the game, but it doesn't matter, because nobody had the energy to seek me out. So instead of being championed for my speed, cunning and prowess, I'm left crying inside the bottom of a dead tree because nobody could find me and because they ran out of vanilla ice cream while I was sitting in my arrogant fantasy that soon, someone would scream, "Here he is! I found him!" and I would finally, thankfully, willingly lose this lifelong game of hide and seek.

Somebody find me.

Today in History

February 1st:

1861: Texas succeeds from the United States and joins the Confederacy. I guess they didn't dig the Union when they joined it just 11 years before. The upside? Sales of "Don't Mess with Texas" t-shirts went up almost 200 percent during the first 2 years of the war.

1979- Two weeks after the Shah of Iran decided to go on an extended "vacation", the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini was welcomed back to Iran by throngs of screaming teenage fans. After thanking them, he promptly had them jailed and executed for excessive displays of Western emotion.

2005- Canada passes the "Civil Marriage Act", making it the 4th nation worldwide to sanction same-sex marriage. Coincidentally, the United State's proposes moving closer to Mexico, afraid that they might "catch gay".

Birth:
1968: Pauly Shore, American Actor. In anticipation, Lawrence Olivier, sensing a disturbance in the Force, attempts to kill the child. He calls this failure his greatest regret.

Death:



2003: The entire crew of the STS-107 Shuttle Columbia perish when an equipment failure causes the entire shuttle to disintegrate during re-entry into the atmosphere. The space program fails to launch another shuttle for almost 2 years follwing the incident.

Lame

I have done the same thing for the past several days and feigned remorse over it.

As a result, I now feel genuine remorse.

I hope it doesn't take that long next time.

Bounty Hunting

So I was thinking about everything I've learned in life, and I think it's all moot compared to this:


Nobody has shit on you when you're holding a thermal detonator. Not Jabba the Hut, not the IAEA, not even George W. Think about that next time your negotiating your salary at work, or arguing with your spouse over what restaurant you want to eat at.

On this day in history

Welcome to a new blog segment that will hopefully gain notoriety and become a staple of your regular blog reading. Or whatever.

January 9th

1349- The Swiss, known for their peaceful neutrality in 20th century war, fine chocolate and noteworthy skiing, set a precedent for genocide on this day in history when the citizens of Basel, Switzerland gathered all the Jews in the city and incinerated them, citing them as the cause of the bubonic plague. God, angered by the whole incident, destroys the village with a massive earthquake in 1356.

1861- Soldiers from the Citadel, Charleston, SC fire on the Star of the West, a trade ship coming to resupply troops at Ft. Sumter, SC. These are generally considered to be the first shots of the American Civil War. The United States divorce shortly after, citing "irreconcilable differences".

Notable Births:

1929- Dorthea Puente- Convicted American serial killer, who married, killed and then collected the pension checks of retired men. She was shocked to later find out this profitable business was illegal.
1967- Dave Matthews- South African singer and musician; noted for skills and moaning and incoherent mumbling while playing the guitar.

Notable Deaths:

1920- Napoleon III of France- Nephew of Napoleon I, used his position as titular (stop giggling) president of France to become Emperor for the next 18 years, until he doomed France for decades by starting the Franco-Prussian war in 1870. This war gave birth to the German Empire, which, as two of you know, really didn't like France. He spent the remainder of his life in a British hotel, where he died of a bladder stone/kidney failure. He is sometimes referred to as "Napoleon the Small", in comparison to his uncle. Their respective endowments cannot be verified.

Alright!

It's amazing what a few days together with no distractions can do for your marriage. It's been 2.5 months and things are going strong. No regrets.

And man, I love snow. I want to go run around in it. Maybe I will today.

Thank you notes.

I am writing thank you notes. It is more fun than I thought.

Its something to note that they are 2 months after the wedding. I think when people recieve them, they will think:

"What? Thank you for what?"

I've gotten thank you notes before and thought that.

Awake.

I am awake and blogging again.

Today I thought a lot about Taco Cabana. I could eat there every day, and my mom says that's probably not okay. But why is TC so great? Well children, I'm glad you asked. Taco Cabana fulfills all the specifications of a fantastic taco restaurant, with its own added flair. It fulfills the laws of taco greatness.

THE LAWS OF TACO HOUSE GREATNESS

• The food shalt rock your face. This essentially means that you have a mouthgasm when you eat there. When you eat the taco, it has to taste fresh- not just the completed taco, but all ingredients in the taco. Nothing processed goes in your food. No canned meat. No canned cheese.

• The menu should give you options but not leave you feeling overwhlemed. A beginner should be able to order alongside a veteran and still have a satisfying experience. However, the restaurant should also accommodate expert taco eaters, which means:
  
  
• The staff has to have their stuff together. Service needs to be friendly and prompt, regardless of what color you are or what language you speak.
  

• It must either make its own tortillas or have them delivered fresh daily.

• It needs a strong hand of salsa- many varieties, all made fresh, from fresh ingredients. None of this Pace from a can, dumped in a bucket. That's offensive. A taco establishment really striving for greatness will have sauces and salsas designed to specifically compliment it's amazing food.

• It needs to play awesome music. Taco joints that play straight Tejano polka don't make the cut. There needs to be something you can actually dance to. At least every 5th polka, there should be a good Salsa number in there.
  

• It must serve tacos. I shouldn't even have to say that. But I do.

• It should serve beer. I really have to insist here. Taco + Cerveza = Pure Rapturous Joy.

• It should serve patrons at all hours of the day. (This is one of the things that separates a very good taco joint from a GREAT taco joint. For some reason, tacos really do taste better at three in the morning. I think there's some scientists who found that to be true.) If it can't serve patrons at all hours, it must at least accommodate the prime hours of taco eatage:

0530-1000 Before work
1100-1300 Lunch
1345-1500 Post lunch energy boost
1600-2000 Dinner
2100-2245 Taco Pre-Game
0030-0430 Taco Prime Time

• It should inspire. This is the bottom line. A good taco joint gains the loyalty of a fan base. It has devoted followers who dream about its food day and night. People that get t-shirts and tattoos bearing the logos, food, slogans and likenesses of line cooks of their preferred taco house. These fans will fight tooth and nail to defend it against all ill will. If told it is going out of business, they will eat there as much as fiscally possible to keep it open. Any rumors of food poisoning will be dismissed as "Pussies complaining because they couldn't handle the hot stuff." If the question is posed, "Where should we eat?", this taco zealot will firmly ensure his or her demands are met. A great taco stand turns casual taco eaters into believers. A great taco stand changes lives and gives new significance to life.
  

If you have anything to add, let me know. You might be right.