Tacos, cont.

So friend, we know what tacos are and how they came to be. We even know a little about the "why?" behind tacos. However, the lingering question in all our minds is the same, of this I am sure.


Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

are the tacos?

Oh, I wonder this too my friend. I wonder this too. And when I finally find them, you'll be the first to know.

Have you looked at Taco Cabana?

Return

I am back from San Fransisco. A few highlights:


Getting schooled by 5th graders at basketball.
Watching a crazy old Cambodian lady get in a fight with a Ving Rhames lookalike over whether or not she got free groceries.
Snaps is the name of the game.
Playing an overindulgent amount of freeze dance, duck-duck-goose and green glass door.
Observing/avoiding female drama, ages 14-29.
Smells like pee.
Sleeping on a pool floatie.
Homoposters!
Wearing a mask made of peanut butter, rasins and chocolate chips.
In and Out Burger. Thrice.
Subsequent gas and bowel issues.
Homelessness. A lot.
Body surfing in the Pacific ocean. With my clothes on.
Giant Dipper.
The Dude getting in touch with his pentacostal side.
Watching kids with very little still enjoying life so much.
Seeing beauty in a very ugly place.
Knowing God still works in very mysterious ways.

I have many stories. Hit me up.

Just when you think...

You've got the world by the horns, it turns on you and you're just another goring victim.


You've raged against the machine, you realize you're another cog in the factory system.


Troubles have come to end. They were just taking a breather.


You're a sharpener of men, you understand that you are the greatest hypocrite of them all.

Mommy, Where do Tacos come from?

Furious debate has raged since mankind first gained the insight to ask questions, particularly on the subject of taco genesis. Although all scholars (aside from fringe extremists) agree that the taco does exist, there are two main camps that cross swords over the noble food's origin: Taco Evolutionists and Taco Creationists. We report, you decide.

Taco Evolutionism
In the beginning of time, there were two things: matter and energy. The matter, of course, was a tortilla, carne asada, cheese, lettuce and pico de gallo. The energy was...well, it was energy. Anyway, all the ingredients were floating around in space, and then they all collided with each other, exploded and the universe was formed. It was really hot for a while, and there were just single-celled tacos floating around in the primordial sour cream for a couple million years. Then, one of the taco cells grew legs and walked out. Over time, they evolved into huge tacosaurs, which roamed the earth. Coincidentally, there were cavemen there too, and they were damn hungry. So they formed death squads. Riding on pterodactyls, they used flame throwers and grenade launchers to kill thousands of the mighty beasts. Fueled onward by their hunger for taco flesh, they hunted the Tacosaurus to the brink of extinction. Then a meteor hit the earth and wiped them all out.

Then, on March 21, 1962, Glen Bell opened the first Taco Bell in Downey, California.

Taco Creationism
In the beginning, after God created Adam and Eve, He realized that mankind needed a way to combine all the important food groups into one delicious, easy to hold, easy to consume package. So God invented the taco, and it was good. Now God was walking in the garden to show Adam and Eve these wicked awesome goodies, but He couldn't find them. Eventually, He discovered them hiding behind some bushes with fig leaf thongs on. God knew what was up. And it was not good. A&E had eaten from the tree he told them not to, tried to be like God AND ruined their appetite for tacos- so God got righteously pissed: "I INVENTED THE GREATEST FOOD IN THE WORLD, AND YOU WENT AND SCREWED EVERYTHING UP!" Then the taco exploded in a huge flash of fire, animals were running all over and crapping on everything and eating each other, and when Adam and Eve woke up, they we kicked out of the garden. And mortal.

"This sucks!" said Adam.

Then God told them, "You guys are gonna die. It's gonna hurt a lot to have kids. Snakes are gonna bite you and life is gonna be pretty tough. But I still love you, even though you messed up. Here."

Then He gave them the recipe for tacos. Which took the sting off of mortality. Sort of.

The Mighty Taco, Pt. 1

In an effort to make the world a more beautiful, educated place, I submit to you a saga of the worlds most noble food. This stunning mini-series will take you through the untold beauty of the taco world using vivid, full-color photos, real life testimonials from taco eaters around the globe and fascinating history that will leave you saying,

"Wow, I had no idea they had tacos in Pakistan!"

Oh, you will. You will.


What is a taco?
Tacos are many things. The most important:
1. The best thing to eat in the world. Period.
2. The godfather to all the other great foods in the world.
3. A hall pass that works at your grown up job
4. Your best friend forever, even when you don't call for 6 months
5. Jesus' favorite food
6. A temporary substitute for a real relationship
7. The key to a successful marriage
8. One of the finest artists of the 20th century.


C'mon. Don't be an idiot.

Stop Crapping on me

I called the lady and asked if I could lower my interest rate. She said no, so I cancelled my credit card. In the following 48 hours:

I agreed to pay for my mom's 400 dollar plane ticket to come visit me. Which is awesome, except that I don't even have a finished bathroom in my house for her to use when she arrives (in one week!)

I had to take Tyson, my foster dog (who is going back to his original family in ONE WEEK) to the emergency room because he ran his dumbass through a bramble patch and seriously gashed his legs and paws open. And that cost 400 dollars.

And as I'm driving my car today, I notice the temperature is really high. It overheats. My radiator is leaking. My engine is covered in coolant. I manage to make it home. I'm sure this is going to cost me. Unfortunately, I can't get it fixed tommorow, because i have to work. I'm gonna guess that it'll cost 200-400 dollars.

400+400+400+no credit cards= empty, overdrafted bank account.

This coming smack dab in the middle of my "work" week- I've been in for 6-8 hours on both of my off days this week, and now I'm going in for three more days. I'm overwhelmed. I'm miserable. I'm broke. And I'm complaining a lot. I'd say "feel sorry for me!" but I'm already doing that. And I'd feel even more crazy, because I know nobody is reading this.

ENJOY THE VENTING SESSION, NOBODY!!!

Phrases for the growing parent

Gratis deis solum tres annos plures dum te exercitui iungis.
(Thank God, only 3 more years until you join the army.)

Te vendam si non bene moratus es!
(I'll sell you if you don't behave!)

Sile et sede!
(Sit down and shut up!)

Hamsters

I have a firm belief that my life is currently a giant hamster wheel.

I am caught in an endless cycle of mundane.

Eat.
Feed dog.
Go to work.
Stay at work too long.
Call Rene.
Check email.
Eat.
Masturbate.
Feel guilty.
Call my mom.
Play the same song on the piano.
Overcome guilt.
Promise to do better tommorow.
Fall asleep.
Repeat.

This sucks.