Tacos, cont.

So friend, we know what tacos are and how they came to be. We even know a little about the "why?" behind tacos. However, the lingering question in all our minds is the same, of this I am sure.


Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

are the tacos?

Oh, I wonder this too my friend. I wonder this too. And when I finally find them, you'll be the first to know.

Have you looked at Taco Cabana?

Return

I am back from San Fransisco. A few highlights:


Getting schooled by 5th graders at basketball.
Watching a crazy old Cambodian lady get in a fight with a Ving Rhames lookalike over whether or not she got free groceries.
Snaps is the name of the game.
Playing an overindulgent amount of freeze dance, duck-duck-goose and green glass door.
Observing/avoiding female drama, ages 14-29.
Smells like pee.
Sleeping on a pool floatie.
Homoposters!
Wearing a mask made of peanut butter, rasins and chocolate chips.
In and Out Burger. Thrice.
Subsequent gas and bowel issues.
Homelessness. A lot.
Body surfing in the Pacific ocean. With my clothes on.
Giant Dipper.
The Dude getting in touch with his pentacostal side.
Watching kids with very little still enjoying life so much.
Seeing beauty in a very ugly place.
Knowing God still works in very mysterious ways.

I have many stories. Hit me up.

Just when you think...

You've got the world by the horns, it turns on you and you're just another goring victim.


You've raged against the machine, you realize you're another cog in the factory system.


Troubles have come to end. They were just taking a breather.


You're a sharpener of men, you understand that you are the greatest hypocrite of them all.

Mommy, Where do Tacos come from?

Furious debate has raged since mankind first gained the insight to ask questions, particularly on the subject of taco genesis. Although all scholars (aside from fringe extremists) agree that the taco does exist, there are two main camps that cross swords over the noble food's origin: Taco Evolutionists and Taco Creationists. We report, you decide.

Taco Evolutionism
In the beginning of time, there were two things: matter and energy. The matter, of course, was a tortilla, carne asada, cheese, lettuce and pico de gallo. The energy was...well, it was energy. Anyway, all the ingredients were floating around in space, and then they all collided with each other, exploded and the universe was formed. It was really hot for a while, and there were just single-celled tacos floating around in the primordial sour cream for a couple million years. Then, one of the taco cells grew legs and walked out. Over time, they evolved into huge tacosaurs, which roamed the earth. Coincidentally, there were cavemen there too, and they were damn hungry. So they formed death squads. Riding on pterodactyls, they used flame throwers and grenade launchers to kill thousands of the mighty beasts. Fueled onward by their hunger for taco flesh, they hunted the Tacosaurus to the brink of extinction. Then a meteor hit the earth and wiped them all out.

Then, on March 21, 1962, Glen Bell opened the first Taco Bell in Downey, California.

Taco Creationism
In the beginning, after God created Adam and Eve, He realized that mankind needed a way to combine all the important food groups into one delicious, easy to hold, easy to consume package. So God invented the taco, and it was good. Now God was walking in the garden to show Adam and Eve these wicked awesome goodies, but He couldn't find them. Eventually, He discovered them hiding behind some bushes with fig leaf thongs on. God knew what was up. And it was not good. A&E had eaten from the tree he told them not to, tried to be like God AND ruined their appetite for tacos- so God got righteously pissed: "I INVENTED THE GREATEST FOOD IN THE WORLD, AND YOU WENT AND SCREWED EVERYTHING UP!" Then the taco exploded in a huge flash of fire, animals were running all over and crapping on everything and eating each other, and when Adam and Eve woke up, they we kicked out of the garden. And mortal.

"This sucks!" said Adam.

Then God told them, "You guys are gonna die. It's gonna hurt a lot to have kids. Snakes are gonna bite you and life is gonna be pretty tough. But I still love you, even though you messed up. Here."

Then He gave them the recipe for tacos. Which took the sting off of mortality. Sort of.