1. That feeling you get when you're taking off a sweaty t-shirt and it gets stuck. You're sweaty, there's a shirt halfway off your head, and it's stuck to your sweat soaked torso. So you just run around the house screaming, running into things and wondering if God will put you out of your misery and let you fall into a bathtub with a toaster. However, right as you're getting the toaster ready, the shirt comes off.
2. Mosquitos. They love me, and I hate them. It's a directly related quotient of love and hate. The more they love me, the more I wish I could cover the surface of planet Earth with fire, killing every mosquito, everywhere. The more they bite me, the more I wish I could travel back in time into their favorite childhood memory and run through it naked, scarring them permanently.
3. Losing things. I lost a disc golf disc today that I, by happenstance, JUST PURCHASED TODAY. It just vanished. Into the reeds, or the air, or into a little kid's backpack. Not sure. But that's the THIRD Valkyrie I've lost. I loved those discs.
I've been reading a fantastic blog by a guy named Christian, called "Stuff White People Like". It's the funniest satirical blog I've read, probably ever. He also has a book. Which I promised myself (and told him) I would buy. So.
I think it will make a stunning addition to the small library above my toilet. Seriously. There's a small library up there. I do my best thinking on the toilet.
This is truly fantastic. Leinenkugel's calls it a "Sunny Bear"- mixing one half a Sunset Wheat with one half Berry Weiss. The best part is that you have to drink two of them to use up the beer you opened. Possibly the first time math has actually been helpful to me.
I feel like I've been a sucker for people in need my whole life. I'm beginning to think it makes me weak. I once ended up spending a ridiculous amount of money trying to help somebody who was really just a drug addicted leech. And then I just said, "I never want to hear from you again!" and it was so. I don't feel bad for it. I really don't. I hope I never see that guy again in my entire life, because it reminds me of how stupid I was. He just took advantage of me. I thought I was helping someone, but they were just lying. Now I don't give money to people.
Instead, I have someone living on my couch.
Having someone living on your couch is stressful. Very stressful.
You don't have access to your living room. You can't walk around your house naked. Your wife is mad at you. It's basically a huge pain in the ass.
I haven't lived with a roomate for almost 3 years and that feels good. Now I have a man living in my living room by my own decision. He needs help. Does it have to be my help? Probably not. But I'm the one giving it. I could kick him out, but I don't really have a good reason. Other than him being messy and I want to sit on my sofa naked and watch television.
Possibly God is teaching me some lesson about selfishness or patience or suffering or something.
But now my wife wants him gone. That makes it difficult, because now she's mad at me that I'm not giving him the ultimatum. Laying down the law. And I'm trying to play the middle, because I love her and want to please her, but I've committed to myself that I'm going to see this through.
And all the while I'm trying to convince her of something I have trouble swallowing myself- that being selfless for just a little while longer, until he leaves town next week, will be hard, but the right thing to do. I don't want to do that! I want it over!
But then He tells me: "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay." Heb 10:36-37
Not all the time, just sometimes. In fact, sometimes I hate attention. I'm typically very uncomfortable with praise. I don't really enjoy being recognized in public. Increasingly, I'm less and less drawn to people in general.
I believe there's something in every human that longs to be chased after- the unfortunate side-effect of that is that you must run away to be chased. After running and running and hoping that somebody is chasing me, I often find that I'm alone, in the middle of nowhere. My would be pursuers looked at my full sprint in to the woods and said, "That guy does NOT want to be caught. I'll just wait here." Or perhaps they start running into the forest too, not to chase me, but because they want to be chased as well.
So then I end up running into a bunch of crazy, narcissistic spriniters in a forest. And I'm forced to walk back out into the open, head hung low because the game of hide and go seek ended 45 minutes ago and everyone decided I was too hard to find and went inside to eat ice cream instead.
So now what? I'm the fastest sprinter and the best hider in the game, but it doesn't matter, because nobody had the energy to seek me out. So instead of being championed for my speed, cunning and prowess, I'm left crying inside the bottom of a dead tree because nobody could find me and because they ran out of vanilla ice cream while I was sitting in my arrogant fantasy that soon, someone would scream, "Here he is! I found him!" and I would finally, thankfully, willingly lose this lifelong game of hide and seek.
1861: Texas succeeds from the United States and joins the Confederacy. I guess they didn't dig the Union when they joined it just 11 years before. The upside? Sales of "Don't Mess with Texas" t-shirts went up almost 200 percent during the first 2 years of the war.
1979- Two weeks after the Shah of Iran decided to go on an extended "vacation", the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini was welcomed back to Iran by throngs of screaming teenage fans. After thanking them, he promptly had them jailed and executed for excessive displays of Western emotion.
2005- Canada passes the "Civil Marriage Act", making it the 4th nation worldwide to sanction same-sex marriage. Coincidentally, the United State's proposes moving closer to Mexico, afraid that they might "catch gay".
Birth: 1968: Pauly Shore, American Actor. In anticipation, Lawrence Olivier, sensing a disturbance in the Force, attempts to kill the child. He calls this failure his greatest regret.
2003: The entire crew of the STS-107 Shuttle Columbia perish when an equipment failure causes the entire shuttle to disintegrate during re-entry into the atmosphere. The space program fails to launch another shuttle for almost 2 years follwing the incident.
So I was thinking about everything I've learned in life, and I think it's all moot compared to this:
Nobody has shit on you when you're holding a thermal detonator. Not Jabba the Hut, not the IAEA, not even George W. Think about that next time your negotiating your salary at work, or arguing with your spouse over what restaurant you want to eat at.
Welcome to a new blog segment that will hopefully gain notoriety and become a staple of your regular blog reading. Or whatever.
1349- The Swiss, known for their peaceful neutrality in 20th century war, fine chocolate and noteworthy skiing, set a precedent for genocide on this day in history when the citizens of Basel, Switzerland gathered all the Jews in the city and incinerated them, citing them as the cause of the bubonic plague. God, angered by the whole incident, destroys the village with a massive earthquake in 1356.
1861- Soldiers from the Citadel, Charleston, SC fire on the Star of the West, a trade ship coming to resupply troops at Ft. Sumter, SC. These are generally considered to be the first shots of the American Civil War. The United States divorce shortly after, citing "irreconcilable differences".
1929- Dorthea Puente- Convicted American serial killer, who married, killed and then collected the pension checks of retired men. She was shocked to later find out this profitable business was illegal. 1967- Dave Matthews- South African singer and musician; noted for skills and moaning and incoherent mumbling while playing the guitar.
1920- Napoleon III of France- Nephew of Napoleon I, used his position as titular (stop giggling) president of France to become Emperor for the next 18 years, until he doomed France for decades by starting the Franco-Prussian war in 1870. This war gave birth to the German Empire, which, as two of you know, really didn't like France. He spent the remainder of his life in a British hotel, where he died of a bladder stone/kidney failure. He is sometimes referred to as "Napoleon the Small", in comparison to his uncle. Their respective endowments cannot be verified.