Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Mommy, Where do Tacos come from?

Furious debate has raged since mankind first gained the insight to ask questions, particularly on the subject of taco genesis. Although all scholars (aside from fringe extremists) agree that the taco does exist, there are two main camps that cross swords over the noble food's origin: Taco Evolutionists and Taco Creationists. We report, you decide.

Taco Evolutionism
In the beginning of time, there were two things: matter and energy. The matter, of course, was a tortilla, carne asada, cheese, lettuce and pico de gallo. The energy was...well, it was energy. Anyway, all the ingredients were floating around in space, and then they all collided with each other, exploded and the universe was formed. It was really hot for a while, and there were just single-celled tacos floating around in the primordial sour cream for a couple million years. Then, one of the taco cells grew legs and walked out. Over time, they evolved into huge tacosaurs, which roamed the earth. Coincidentally, there were cavemen there too, and they were damn hungry. So they formed death squads. Riding on pterodactyls, they used flame throwers and grenade launchers to kill thousands of the mighty beasts. Fueled onward by their hunger for taco flesh, they hunted the Tacosaurus to the brink of extinction. Then a meteor hit the earth and wiped them all out.

Then, on March 21, 1962, Glen Bell opened the first Taco Bell in Downey, California.

Taco Creationism
In the beginning, after God created Adam and Eve, He realized that mankind needed a way to combine all the important food groups into one delicious, easy to hold, easy to consume package. So God invented the taco, and it was good. Now God was walking in the garden to show Adam and Eve these wicked awesome goodies, but He couldn't find them. Eventually, He discovered them hiding behind some bushes with fig leaf thongs on. God knew what was up. And it was not good. A&E had eaten from the tree he told them not to, tried to be like God AND ruined their appetite for tacos- so God got righteously pissed: "I INVENTED THE GREATEST FOOD IN THE WORLD, AND YOU WENT AND SCREWED EVERYTHING UP!" Then the taco exploded in a huge flash of fire, animals were running all over and crapping on everything and eating each other, and when Adam and Eve woke up, they we kicked out of the garden. And mortal.

"This sucks!" said Adam.

Then God told them, "You guys are gonna die. It's gonna hurt a lot to have kids. Snakes are gonna bite you and life is gonna be pretty tough. But I still love you, even though you messed up. Here."

Then He gave them the recipe for tacos. Which took the sting off of mortality. Sort of.

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