Friday, June 29, 2007

The Mighty Taco, Pt. 1

In an effort to make the world a more beautiful, educated place, I submit to you a saga of the worlds most noble food. This stunning mini-series will take you through the untold beauty of the taco world using vivid, full-color photos, real life testimonials from taco eaters around the globe and fascinating history that will leave you saying,

"Wow, I had no idea they had tacos in Pakistan!"

Oh, you will. You will.

What is a taco?
Tacos are many things. The most important:
1. The best thing to eat in the world. Period.
2. The godfather to all the other great foods in the world.
3. A hall pass that works at your grown up job
4. Your best friend forever, even when you don't call for 6 months
5. Jesus' favorite food
6. A temporary substitute for a real relationship
7. The key to a successful marriage
8. One of the finest artists of the 20th century.

C'mon. Don't be an idiot.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Stop Crapping on me

I called the lady and asked if I could lower my interest rate. She said no, so I cancelled my credit card. In the following 48 hours:

I agreed to pay for my mom's 400 dollar plane ticket to come visit me. Which is awesome, except that I don't even have a finished bathroom in my house for her to use when she arrives (in one week!)

I had to take Tyson, my foster dog (who is going back to his original family in ONE WEEK) to the emergency room because he ran his dumbass through a bramble patch and seriously gashed his legs and paws open. And that cost 400 dollars.

And as I'm driving my car today, I notice the temperature is really high. It overheats. My radiator is leaking. My engine is covered in coolant. I manage to make it home. I'm sure this is going to cost me. Unfortunately, I can't get it fixed tommorow, because i have to work. I'm gonna guess that it'll cost 200-400 dollars.

400+400+400+no credit cards= empty, overdrafted bank account.

This coming smack dab in the middle of my "work" week- I've been in for 6-8 hours on both of my off days this week, and now I'm going in for three more days. I'm overwhelmed. I'm miserable. I'm broke. And I'm complaining a lot. I'd say "feel sorry for me!" but I'm already doing that. And I'd feel even more crazy, because I know nobody is reading this.


Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Phrases for the growing parent

Gratis deis solum tres annos plures dum te exercitui iungis.
(Thank God, only 3 more years until you join the army.)

Te vendam si non bene moratus es!
(I'll sell you if you don't behave!)

Sile et sede!
(Sit down and shut up!)


I have a firm belief that my life is currently a giant hamster wheel.

I am caught in an endless cycle of mundane.

Feed dog.
Go to work.
Stay at work too long.
Call Rene.
Check email.
Feel guilty.
Call my mom.
Play the same song on the piano.
Overcome guilt.
Promise to do better tommorow.
Fall asleep.

This sucks.

Monday, June 25, 2007

The Primate World Order

I'm quite confident that many things that I do will be done by computers/monkeys very soon. In fact, once they teach a monkey how to type, I'm sure almost all government jobs will be done by primates.

Which means that monkey blogs are almost a certain inevitability.

Terrifying Photo of Actual Monkey Blogger

(and somehow, they'll figure out how to throw feces at you, online. This is terrifying to me, because I have nightmares about primate feces.)

The anger over the monkey blogs will upset enough web-savvy bloggers, and a war will begin. And because wars are fought at the lowest common denominator, the weapons will be purely scatological in nature. It will be ugly. Shit will literally:
  1. Roll down hills
  2. Hit fans
  3. Become very, very deep
  4. Be eaten for breakfast
Monkeys will take to the streets. We're talking doo-doo bombs here. We're talking banana inspired doo-doo flinging catapults here! I WILL GET DOO-DOO IN MY EYEBALL! COME ON!!! DO I HAVE TO SAY DOO-DOO AGAIN?

It gives guerrilla warfare a whole new meaning, doesn't it?

(Brilliant pun self! Who said you're not funny? Who said it? Hah! They're not laughing now, are they! Wait, don't we want them to be laughing now? Damn!)

Enough! Write Congressman Norm Dicks of Washington's 6th Congressional District today and demand all monkeys be put to death! Especially the endangered and cute ones. Because they have a lot to write about.

P.S. Congressman Dicks kindly asks you to refrain from banal jokes about his name.