Monday, June 25, 2007

The Primate World Order

I'm quite confident that many things that I do will be done by computers/monkeys very soon. In fact, once they teach a monkey how to type, I'm sure almost all government jobs will be done by primates.

Which means that monkey blogs are almost a certain inevitability.

Terrifying Photo of Actual Monkey Blogger

(and somehow, they'll figure out how to throw feces at you, online. This is terrifying to me, because I have nightmares about primate feces.)

The anger over the monkey blogs will upset enough web-savvy bloggers, and a war will begin. And because wars are fought at the lowest common denominator, the weapons will be purely scatological in nature. It will be ugly. Shit will literally:
  1. Roll down hills
  2. Hit fans
  3. Become very, very deep
  4. Be eaten for breakfast
Monkeys will take to the streets. We're talking doo-doo bombs here. We're talking banana inspired doo-doo flinging catapults here! I WILL GET DOO-DOO IN MY EYEBALL! COME ON!!! DO I HAVE TO SAY DOO-DOO AGAIN?

It gives guerrilla warfare a whole new meaning, doesn't it?

(Brilliant pun self! Who said you're not funny? Who said it? Hah! They're not laughing now, are they! Wait, don't we want them to be laughing now? Damn!)

Enough! Write Congressman Norm Dicks of Washington's 6th Congressional District today and demand all monkeys be put to death! Especially the endangered and cute ones. Because they have a lot to write about.

P.S. Congressman Dicks kindly asks you to refrain from banal jokes about his name.

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